“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’d love this…lol
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>