when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”