If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?