The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
#winning
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.