I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.