I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.