How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.