WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’