What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Lmfao
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.