MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.