She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
You Might Also Like
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Good point.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: