[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*power walks to the refrigerator*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
new shirt idea
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”