The symmetry is uncanny.
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos