classic mixup
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Ugh but profoundly
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Its a hippotatomus
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Meeeee too!
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police