I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My sex drive has a dui
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Worst bar ever.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.