A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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Cannot stop laughing at this
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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