A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
This is amazing.