Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’m sorry…what?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
oppen heimer style lol
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.