I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”