#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.