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The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
#Caturday
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”