I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
You Might Also Like
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]