If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
live, laugh, laundry.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.