Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.