Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
The internet is magic sometimes.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert