Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The honesty is refreshing
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin