Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
You Might Also Like
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.