A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
You Might Also Like
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Mission: Impossible
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.