Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is