Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on