why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
OKAY DAD
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
your honor my client chooses dare
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here