HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My life in a nutshell
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash