It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???