My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
tourist season
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Dead sexy!!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.