If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
…u ok Nintendo?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
And that about sums it up.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.