I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
B
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?