I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful