Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house