So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.