I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Did my cat write this
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”