Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
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Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
😂😂😂
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float