Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.