[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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#ThisMakesMeLaugh
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.