Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing