Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.