I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.