I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
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If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you