Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
You Might Also Like
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
#damn
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.