I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
You Might Also Like
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”