I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Camping tip: No.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land